**I never imagined this would be one to update, but this is a re-post
: for Anna, who is hurting over her marriage; for my friend on Xanga, who is grieving over her daughter and her past mistakes; for another who wishes that she had known better and is suffering so deeply...this post is from my heart and the only words and thoughts I have to convey with my prayers being so far away. I know better than many exactly what you're going through, and my tears fall with yours. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Skip the story. It's
not important. The message after
is for you. I'm here for you if you need me.
Love,
K**
Pain. At times it can be so deep that it steals the air from your lungs. Cruel irony is that while you remain in tact, pain can leave you feeling as though you have been shattered into millions of bits; afflicting torment on the heart and mind for which there is no immediate cure.
**Cell phone rings. She has come to despise it. The ringing as of late brings an agonizing split second of panic, causing her heart to race; her head to throb. Since her baby was born early, the cell phone became a permanent attachment; like an appendage of her body, she couldn't take it off. She hangs on to the doctors every word as he informs her that her daughter has seized again, causing the few of her remaining organs to shut down. 'She's not going to make it through the night'. She hangs up politely and begins to tremble. Seven months of pure hell for her prematurely born daughter --seven months of pure hell for her culminated in that moment giving way to fierce anger, helplessness that left no room for hope, and she began to scream at God A year later. She cries every day. She has begged, pleaded, and bargained with God to remove the ongoing misery that plagues her heart. The emptiness is deafening. She tries not to pay attention, but the questions still linger silently, yet at the same time they scream into her soul..."was my faith not strong enough? Doesn't God hear me? Why did He let this happen? Am I being punished?"
She opens her bible to thumb through more scriptures. Through the anti-depressants that cloud her memory she vaguely remembers a verse that says "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains"--she closes the bible on her lap, "no, my faith was weak."
As if she were living her very own version of Job's hellish nightmare, her husband informs her of the next blow to her already stricken heart...he wants a divorce, he has met someone else. The tears that have kept her eyes swollen start to fall again.**
Imagine for a moment that you're holding a sheet of paper in front of you.
You pick up a pen and just with the tip you poke a hole through the middle of that paper.
Put your eye to that tiny hole, and what do you see?
I imagine that you only see what's directly in you're line of vision and no farther..
Life is like that.
You can only see today moment by moment, and no farther than that moment.
Pain is very much the same way.
For my friends who are in need of relief from pain, your own personal torment, or grief from whatever curve ball life has thrown your way,
this post is for you.
Maybe you've become certain that the hurt you feel will suck you in and roll your life over into an abyss from which there's no return.
I came to remind you that there is hope. Tomorrows unfold, even though you can't see them today.
Hope comes with the morning, even though it may seem like a million miles away.
I wish I could say that suffering was a respecter of age, race or position, but you know that it's not.
The story in this post is my own. It's only a small slice of my 38 years.
When I was younger, I fought pain. Now, in quieter moments of clarity, I think it's better to embrace it.
It's a gift wrapped in packaging I didn't expect.
Hating what hurts is okay.
Holding your head high knowing it will shape you, make you stronger,
adding to your character in ways not possible without it, is better.
I'm here to remind you. I needed reminding too.
Let the hard places in life have it's perfecting work to make you who you will be in your tomorrows.
It's just "hard".
HARD is just a word, and we can do HARD any day, if we do it together.
So lean here *puts out shoulder*
That's what friends are for.
Comments (48)
*hugs* you're right, it is best if you can let it shape your character and grow from it, instead of harboring anger and bitterness. that doesn't mean it's easy, as you know! :) thanks for sharing.
Sorry, you are hurting. Feel better.
*hugs* I am sorry for your loss. I really needed this. Thank you so much. I am going through a really tough time.
*nearly in a mess of tears* Thank you for that.
It hurts to think I'll never be with her again. It hurts to think that it's all my fault (not really, but I take responsibility anyway).
I am conflicted to just trust God and ALSO not be afraid. So scared am I that I lost all hope of ever earning her trust again.
...and her hand. Forever.
I'll take what I have now and do what I can. God has to work out the rest. I can't.
Gosh did I need this right this moment. Thank you so much for posting this.
This is so...beautiful :( I'm sorry
Wow... I'm pretty much speechless.
So beautiful... and I'm so sorry.
I hope you feel better soon.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))) You have become the kind of friend that, When you hurt I do too.
We'll get through.
Let God carry you through the hard times, he has had to carry me many times. Somehow He never gets tired.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face for our beloved little angel. I love you -- Mom
hey what all the crying abt ?, i thot it was from way past,,oh the mom..they're like that.........hi kellie...........you roc...and yer dad rocs....the coolest dad in the world...........................
Psalms 91 has brought peace to me many times when I've been thru life's hardest times...Ps 91:1 "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty."
your post is so beautiful, thank you for writing this, its given me a new perspective on my own situation and life.
super duper big e-hugs.
whenever i read your writing, i always think "she is so real."
that's becoming less and less common on Xanga.
so i say, major eprops to you, and keep being real.
love this post! wishing you blessings now and always.
~Jen
well stated. I now view pain as a chisel that shapes me into a better person. I wish I had the words to vocalize my own experiences as well as what you described in this post.
beautiful...
So beautiful, and sad, and true. This truly was a shoulder for me tonight. Thank you...
I've definitely been a metaphorical shoulder on more than one occasion, and I can attest that it is hard to keep people motivated, to keep them positive, to keep them from wanting to curl up and... well... just not come out from a dark place for a long time.
"Holding your head high knowing it will shape you, make you stronger,
adding to your character in ways not possible without it, is better.
I'm here to remind you. I needed reminding too."
--Thanks for the reminder.
You have learned the lesson I'm still struggling with - blessing your painful past. I haven't quite made peace with my past yet and it wasn't nearly as traumatic as yours. This was a beautiful and moving post.
whoa. You went through a situation no one even wants to imagine going through. It is hard to see past your pain. This was a GREAT post. Thank you for sharing this.
@MyxlDove - What a beautiful thought, may I quote you?
"Always remember you have extraordinary strength, second only to the size of your heart and its capacity for love."
I say let go of the hate, it will only hold you for ransom, replace it with the strength and power of love. Go with gained strength and knowledge and try with all your might again.
bk